Losing our parents

I had a scare this week, my mom had a heart attack a very mild heart attack but non the less a heart attack. It frightened me and made me realize that my parents are getting older and could pass away anytime. I got to thinking about my life with my parents especially my childhood. I was not physically abused as a child but from my earliest memory I was ridiculed and humiliated on a daily basis usually, many times a day. I became a very withdrawn and scared child. I had no self esteem to speak of. This lead to years of cutting, eating disorders and other self destructive behavior. Even after years of therapy and turning to God for freedom I still find myself at time held captive to the old feelings and behaviors. I stayed away from my parents as much as possible after moving out of their house at 17. Over the years the anger at them especially my dad grew inside me. Every relationship I had especially with men was tainted by my feeling of worthlessness. I sought the advice of many therapist and friends. One therapist recommended I divorce my parents, that is in fact what she had done. The realization that I would never see them again was tough to swallow and I knew this was not right for me. So I continued to see them on occasion. When I had my children I began to draw closer to my mother again. It has always been very hard for me to see her role in what had happened during my childhood. Nonetheless I didn't want my children to grow up without grandparents so we became a "family" again. That was 25 years ago. Over those years things were polite. We didn't talk about how I had been treated by my father. I was still a source of disappointment to them. They could not understand why I was so screwed up. Only that I was and I was different than everyone else in their families. It took me many many years of trying to understand God's will that we honor our parents . How could I honor someone who thought so little of me. Someone who had never even told me he loved me. Someone whom I was not allowed to even touch. The only answer I ever got from my mother was that my father didn't have good parents and so he never learned how to be one. I struggled and prayed over the matter for over 20 years. Then my oldest daughter had a baby and the strangest thing happened. My father became a father he was amazing with his great grandchild. One day I asked my mom about it and she told me that when I had told her that my dad had plenty of time to learn to be a dad she realized I was right.
Turns out that since she was keeping their great grandchild every day she told him this may be his last chance to be in a child's life to have a relationship that was good with a child. For some reason this clicked. So I have spent the last five years watching my dad be a fantastic great granddad to not one but two children. We have still never discussed my childhood and at some point over the years I refused to take his ridicule anymore. God's work in me began to take shape. I began to love my dad, to even respect him. Did he deserve father of the year? Not even close but I do owe him for making sure I attended school and received medical attention when I needed it. He was a retired veteran. He served his country for 22 years. He often worked 2 jobs to put food on the table and a roof over our heads. We never did without shoes or clothing. We were always warm and fed. Four years ago my dad told me he loved me. Still brings tears to my eyes to think about it. My mom told me they were sorry for the way I had been treated. They had done the best they had known to do. That they both loved me and were proud of me. I will carry that in my heart always. They are still the same people in a lot of ways, old habits die hard I guess. There are times when I just have to leave the house cause they are acting in ways that are just to painful. I have come to realize that I am a strong woman, ironically due to their treatment, and I can walk away and I can love them despite their lack of parenting skills. So many people suffer from terrible childhoods. Some of them never need to see their parents again for their own safety as well as their children and grand children's. All of us can let God heal our hearts and show us the freedom that we will only have if we forgive our parents. Some of us can even learn to see what good they did for us without attaching the bad stuff to it. A few of us are even lucky enough to get to see our parents be wonderful great grandparents. I could feel bitter about that, but the joy I see in my little grandson's face as he helps paw paw work in the yard or they play a game of go fish or my granddaughter giggles in delight as my dad swoops her up in the air actually has made it so much easier to forgive him. Will I feel pain for lost time with my dad when he dies, yes I'm sure I will but I will also feel great joy that I was able to enjoy him in the final years. That in his own way he loved me and even if it took 42 years he was finally able to tell me. The love I have for both of my parents was hard to allow, but I am so very grateful that God continued to show me the way. It is an amazing gift to be able to make peace with your parents before they die, but for some of us the gift must come from God as we allow Him to teach us to honor our parents despite their shortcomings. He and His grace are amazing.