Losing our parents

I had a scare this week, my mom had a heart attack a very mild heart attack but non the less a heart attack. It frightened me and made me realize that my parents are getting older and could pass away anytime. I got to thinking about my life with my parents especially my childhood. I was not physically abused as a child but from my earliest memory I was ridiculed and humiliated on a daily basis usually, many times a day. I became a very withdrawn and scared child. I had no self esteem to speak of. This lead to years of cutting, eating disorders and other self destructive behavior. Even after years of therapy and turning to God for freedom I still find myself at time held captive to the old feelings and behaviors. I stayed away from my parents as much as possible after moving out of their house at 17. Over the years the anger at them especially my dad grew inside me. Every relationship I had especially with men was tainted by my feeling of worthlessness. I sought the advice of many therapist and friends. One therapist recommended I divorce my parents, that is in fact what she had done. The realization that I would never see them again was tough to swallow and I knew this was not right for me. So I continued to see them on occasion. When I had my children I began to draw closer to my mother again. It has always been very hard for me to see her role in what had happened during my childhood. Nonetheless I didn't want my children to grow up without grandparents so we became a "family" again. That was 25 years ago. Over those years things were polite. We didn't talk about how I had been treated by my father. I was still a source of disappointment to them. They could not understand why I was so screwed up. Only that I was and I was different than everyone else in their families. It took me many many years of trying to understand God's will that we honor our parents . How could I honor someone who thought so little of me. Someone who had never even told me he loved me. Someone whom I was not allowed to even touch. The only answer I ever got from my mother was that my father didn't have good parents and so he never learned how to be one. I struggled and prayed over the matter for over 20 years. Then my oldest daughter had a baby and the strangest thing happened. My father became a father he was amazing with his great grandchild. One day I asked my mom about it and she told me that when I had told her that my dad had plenty of time to learn to be a dad she realized I was right.
Turns out that since she was keeping their great grandchild every day she told him this may be his last chance to be in a child's life to have a relationship that was good with a child. For some reason this clicked. So I have spent the last five years watching my dad be a fantastic great granddad to not one but two children. We have still never discussed my childhood and at some point over the years I refused to take his ridicule anymore. God's work in me began to take shape. I began to love my dad, to even respect him. Did he deserve father of the year? Not even close but I do owe him for making sure I attended school and received medical attention when I needed it. He was a retired veteran. He served his country for 22 years. He often worked 2 jobs to put food on the table and a roof over our heads. We never did without shoes or clothing. We were always warm and fed. Four years ago my dad told me he loved me. Still brings tears to my eyes to think about it. My mom told me they were sorry for the way I had been treated. They had done the best they had known to do. That they both loved me and were proud of me. I will carry that in my heart always. They are still the same people in a lot of ways, old habits die hard I guess. There are times when I just have to leave the house cause they are acting in ways that are just to painful. I have come to realize that I am a strong woman, ironically due to their treatment, and I can walk away and I can love them despite their lack of parenting skills. So many people suffer from terrible childhoods. Some of them never need to see their parents again for their own safety as well as their children and grand children's. All of us can let God heal our hearts and show us the freedom that we will only have if we forgive our parents. Some of us can even learn to see what good they did for us without attaching the bad stuff to it. A few of us are even lucky enough to get to see our parents be wonderful great grandparents. I could feel bitter about that, but the joy I see in my little grandson's face as he helps paw paw work in the yard or they play a game of go fish or my granddaughter giggles in delight as my dad swoops her up in the air actually has made it so much easier to forgive him. Will I feel pain for lost time with my dad when he dies, yes I'm sure I will but I will also feel great joy that I was able to enjoy him in the final years. That in his own way he loved me and even if it took 42 years he was finally able to tell me. The love I have for both of my parents was hard to allow, but I am so very grateful that God continued to show me the way. It is an amazing gift to be able to make peace with your parents before they die, but for some of us the gift must come from God as we allow Him to teach us to honor our parents despite their shortcomings. He and His grace are amazing.

Laugh Laugh Laugh

Laugh, Laugh, Laugh. Laughter is the best medicine it's good for you spirit and your health. I laugh a lot mostly at myself.

One of my favorite laughs is the ones I get from my grand babies. Did the Lord know what He was doing when He gave us children or what? I mean no matter how trying they can be someday they will most likely give you grandchildren. Then life begins to truly make since. Were as we might claim our children were being naughty or annoying our grandchildren on the other hand are feisty and little charmers. My2 year old granddaughter Aliyah aka Gram's Ladybug is rambunctious and full of life, sassy and a whirlwind of life and attitude. Her parents are often at their wits end with her. She laughs in the face of all obstacles and I believe she can actually defy gravity. She has the biggest blue eyes I have seen since her momma was born and a laugh albeit that some times sounds a little evil (like when she is pulling the cats tail or locking her mom out of the room) that will melt a heart of ice. I have taken care of Aliyah for several months at a time so I know she can be a handful. Ah but the life that God has placed in that little 2 year old body could solve all the worlds energy problems. I can see her grabbing this old world by the tail and giving it some big tugs. I anxiously await to see or hear what she has thought up next. My other grandchild my little darlin boy Christopher lives with PaPa and I and has since he was born 5 years ago. I raised two beautiful girls and never thought I would like raising a boy. My brother irritated and teased my unmercifully growing up. lol. Alas again God knows just what He is doing. Men make so much more since now. Christopher is bright and sensitive. He speaks and discusses things that I swear are far beyond his years. The words that boy says amaze me. It's like talking to a 30 year old. My Darlin Boy is the light of my life. He keeps me young and laughing. He is sweet and loving always ready to help and concerned about your feeling. Fortunately for me he needs lots of cuddles and hugs.

Another favorite laugh is the one my hubby gives me. We have been together for nearly 20 years and we were friends before we got involved and though it has at times been a rocky road he still makes me laugh. He has this gift, he just says the stupidest things and you don't want to laugh but it's just impossible. He get great pleasure out of it. Our youngest daughter Jessica has the same problem. No matter how mad she may be at him or how much she tells him he is NOT funny, she laughs. For years she has tried to hide it. She just turned 18 this year and seems to have given up on not laughing at him. I don't know whats funnier him or watching her try not to react.

Then there is the favorite laugh that I share with a favorite friend. This lady and I have been through hell and back together. We have shared many tears but God stands firmly behind the two of us keeping our love for one another pure despite the many many obstacles we have faced together and apart. We laugh about ourselves, our children, men... and sometimes even the irony of life. Best of all is when she laughs at me and calls me a dork cause I know that she appreciates me.

Oh but my favorite laugh in the whole world is the one my Daddy gives me. No matter how bad a day I'm having or how down I feel I just have to look around at my Father's world and the next thing I know I'm giggling. Giggling at the wind that tickles my cheek, the sun that warms my face, the rain that smells like heaven to me. The butterfly that flutters across the beautiful roses in my yard. The song that makes my heart swell with love for him. The smell of my mom's cooking. The word my pastor shares with me. Watching any child play, dance, sing, or just run around crazy. Watching the kittens we just got play, seeing my doxie run so fast on her little legs to greet the car as it pulls in the driveway. My Father's world is a amazing joyful place. He has given me so much and I feel very grateful, but because he gave me Jesus I will live forever in His love and grace. What more reason do I need to laugh. I was telling my friend about the little girl inside of me that never found joy as a child, that was afraid and withdrawn. One of the best gifts my Father has given me is the gift of laughter and joy. There are some terrible things happening in this world, some have happened to me, but because of all my Father's love I will laugh.

Try it, it's addictive.